NZ Government announces ban on walking

RNZ reports:

As part of their ‘100 Day Plan – Phase 2’, the government today announced a ban on walking on streets and in most public spaces.

Transport Minister Simeon Brown says the move is part of the Government’s plan to boost economic growth and productivity.

“Walking is just too slow and unproductive,” Mr Brown stated in his press conference announcing the ban. “We’ve looked across the country and analysed all the space that can be freed up for more driving lanes if we remove all the footpaths. We have received a range of advice that suggests an average arterial road could gain up to two lanes each way, especially if we remove street trees and street lights, while local roads could see road space double. This massive increase in capacity will hugely increase our economic performance and help fix the cost of living crisis that the previous government created.”

Senior Minister Chris Bishop stood behind his colleague holding up a sign saying “Four Lanes To The End of The Cul-De-Sac.”

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, speaking from one of his seven houses, said: “Look I haven’t seen the details but it sounds to me like a perfectly sensible policy.”

Upon being informed of the details, he responded, “Well what I would say to you is, do you know who walks around neighbourhoods? Criminals and gang members, that’s who. By banning walking and removing footpaths it will no longer be possible for criminals to get around. These are the bold steps that we need to take in order to get crime back under control.”

Pressed by media for what the policy means for non-criminal New Zealanders, he said: “What I would say to you is, if the good lord had meant ordinary god-fearing people to walk everywhere, he’d have given us legs.” When it was pointed out that most people do in fact have legs, the Prime Minister noted that he used to run an airline, and then ran towards his limousine.

His coalition partners were equally supportive of the policy, with Deputy PM Winston Peters noting that the word “walk” sounds like “woke”. He added, with an enigmatic chuckle, “It’s Rodeo Drive, not Rodeo Walk.”

Meanwhile, future Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour said “The provision of footpaths by local councils has resulted in walkers getting a free ride for far too long.”

Seymour rejected criticism that walking is surely the most libertarian of transport modes, being both free and unlicensed, arguing that instead it’s a luxury that’s been heavily subsidised by councils being required to give a “leg up” to certain classes of people, i.e. those who walk. He welcomed the removal of what he called “red and green and black and white tape.”

“People still wanting footpaths are of course free to build their own sidewalks, but only if they foot the bill themselves, if you’ll pardon the pun. They would of course need to use strips of their own properties and only if all neighbours on a given street can agree.”

Under the proposed walking ban, people would no longer be able to walk, jog or travel in a wheelchair or mobility device outside their home, school, office or other workplace. Walking would still be tolerated in public parks, but people would need to drive to get to the park. Space currently used by footpaths would be available for car parking during off-peak hours or for general traffic at peak hours. Over time, berms and footpaths would be demolished and replaced with more asphalt.

Asked about the impacts this would have on businesses, Brown highlighted that he thinks business owners will be grateful as people would be able to drive right up to the door, and even right through it in some cases.

Simeon Brown also highlighted, with the biggest smile anyone has ever seen on his youthful face, that the walking ban also meant that all raised pedestrian crossings could be removed, as well as the non-raised traditional zebra crossings, as nobody would be using them anyway. Pedestrian “beg buttons” would also be removed from all signalised intersections, effective immediately.

Speed limits would also be increased to a blanket 70 kph on all local roads around the motu, enabled by the government’s move to effectively eliminate potential conflicts between motor vehicles and pedestrians, by effectively eliminating pedestrians.

Green Party transport spokesperson Julie-Anne Genter said she was “shocked, but not surprised” by the walking ban. “Simeon Brown seems to be determined to go against the global evidence on every single transport policy, for no good reason. This policy will be terrible for public health, terrible for congestion, terrible for climate and also terrible for local businesses who typically rely on walk-up customers, even though they usually mistakenly think most people arrive by driving.”

“The people are sick of so-called evidence from so-called experts,” responded Simeon Brown when asked to reply to Ms Genter’s comments. “Banning walking is the number one issue that people on my Facebook page have been asking for. Her comments show this whole idea that human beings want to walk is just a woke culture war from the Green Party.”

Labour’s transport spokesperson wasn’t able to be reached, and it remains unclear if there even is one.

Mr Brown, who famously determines national transport policy based on the views of his Facebook followers, concluded that “Motorists are just sick to death of having to occasionally stop at a pedestrian crossing or red light to let those woke walkers pass.”

As part of the announcement, the government also launched a multi-billion-dollar nationwide programme to turn footpaths into driving space under the banner “Streets For Vehicles”, with former Auckland Light Rail Chief Executive Tommy Parker to head up the work. Mr Parker, who seemed more excited about this programme than he ever was about light rail, confirmed to reporters that he was looking forward to paving over berms and footpaths all around the country. “You just can’t beat the smell of fresh tarmac,” he said, with a glint in his eye.

Reaction from key stakeholder groups was mixed.

A spokesperson for the Road Transport Forum said he was delighted with the move, as it would “get those darn walkers out of the way of our trucks. I hope they ban cycling next!”

Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown was more mixed in his response. “I’m sick of Wellington telling us how to live our lives! I was elected the Mayor of Auckland by more people than anyone else – over 180,000 in case you didn’t know. I’m going to miss walking to work, like any other normal person. But on the other hand, at least this gets rid of those darn raised pedestrian crossings.”

A representative of Living Streets Aotearoa said they were horrified by the proposals. “Walking is a fundamental human right, I can’t believe the government has simply banned it. This will have terrible health consequences, what about people who can’t afford or are unable to drive? How will people be able to get to bus stops and train stations? There will be so much extra traffic as nobody will be able to get to their local school or shops without driving. I guess at least cyclists won’t be able to ride on the footpath anymore though, so that’s one positive.”

Simeon Brown announced the “woke walking ban” during a visit to a local high school. Response was mixed, with a handful of students (both of whom said they regularly comment on his Facebook page) excited by the prospect of living out their best Jeremy Clarkson fantasies and driving like madmen, while the majority shared concerns about what this meant for their health, how they would be able to get to school safely without footpaths, and what this might mean for emissions and climate change, what with all that extra driving.

The move was not part of either coalition agreement between National and Act or National and NZ First, but is consistent with recent transport policy announcements that have defunded walking and cycling, banned councils from constructing footpaths when building new roads, and most recently forced local councils to dangerously increase speed limits on quiet streets.

After the announcement, the Transport Minister speed-walked towards the school gates, trailed by a growing crowd of outraged students. Several loudly pointed that he appeared to be breaking the new law already, at which the minister immediately dropped to the ground and commando-crawled towards his waiting vehicle.

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