RNZ reports:

As part of their ‘100 Day Plan – Phase 2’, the government today announced a ban on walking on streets and in most public spaces.

Transport Minister Simeon Brown says the move is part of the Government’s plan to boost economic growth and productivity.

“Walking is just too slow and unproductive,” Mr Brown stated in his press conference announcing the ban. “We’ve looked across the country and analysed all the space that can be freed up for more driving lanes if we remove all the footpaths. We have received a range of advice that suggests an average arterial road could gain up to two lanes each way, especially if we remove street trees and street lights, while local roads could see road space double. This massive increase in capacity will hugely increase our economic performance and help fix the cost of living crisis that the previous government created.”

Senior Minister Chris Bishop stood behind his colleague holding up a sign saying “Four Lanes To The End of The Cul-De-Sac.”

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, speaking from one of his seven houses, said: “Look I haven’t seen the details but it sounds to me like a perfectly sensible policy.”

Upon being informed of the details, he responded, “Well what I would say to you is, do you know who walks around neighbourhoods? Criminals and gang members, that’s who. By banning walking and removing footpaths it will no longer be possible for criminals to get around. These are the bold steps that we need to take in order to get crime back under control.”

Pressed by media for what the policy means for non-criminal New Zealanders, he said: “What I would say to you is, if the good lord had meant ordinary god-fearing people to walk everywhere, he’d have given us legs.” When it was pointed out that most people do in fact have legs, the Prime Minister noted that he used to run an airline, and then ran towards his limousine.

His coalition partners were equally supportive of the policy, with Deputy PM Winston Peters noting that the word “walk” sounds like “woke”. He added, with an enigmatic chuckle, “It’s Rodeo Drive, not Rodeo Walk.”

Meanwhile, future Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour said “The provision of footpaths by local councils has resulted in walkers getting a free ride for far too long.”

Seymour rejected criticism that walking is surely the most libertarian of transport modes, being both free and unlicensed, arguing that instead it’s a luxury that’s been heavily subsidised by councils being required to give a “leg up” to certain classes of people, i.e. those who walk. He welcomed the removal of what he called “red and green and black and white tape.”

“People still wanting footpaths are of course free to build their own sidewalks, but only if they foot the bill themselves, if you’ll pardon the pun. They would of course need to use strips of their own properties and only if all neighbours on a given street can agree.”

Under the proposed walking ban, people would no longer be able to walk, jog or travel in a wheelchair or mobility device outside their home, school, office or other workplace. Walking would still be tolerated in public parks, but people would need to drive to get to the park. Space currently used by footpaths would be available for car parking during off-peak hours or for general traffic at peak hours. Over time, berms and footpaths would be demolished and replaced with more asphalt.

Asked about the impacts this would have on businesses, Brown highlighted that he thinks business owners will be grateful as people would be able to drive right up to the door, and even right through it in some cases.

Simeon Brown also highlighted, with the biggest smile anyone has ever seen on his youthful face, that the walking ban also meant that all raised pedestrian crossings could be removed, as well as the non-raised traditional zebra crossings, as nobody would be using them anyway. Pedestrian “beg buttons” would also be removed from all signalised intersections, effective immediately.

Speed limits would also be increased to a blanket 70 kph on all local roads around the motu, enabled by the government’s move to effectively eliminate potential conflicts between motor vehicles and pedestrians, by effectively eliminating pedestrians.

Green Party transport spokesperson Julie-Anne Genter said she was “shocked, but not surprised” by the walking ban. “Simeon Brown seems to be determined to go against the global evidence on every single transport policy, for no good reason. This policy will be terrible for public health, terrible for congestion, terrible for climate and also terrible for local businesses who typically rely on walk-up customers, even though they usually mistakenly think most people arrive by driving.”

“The people are sick of so-called evidence from so-called experts,” responded Simeon Brown when asked to reply to Ms Genter’s comments. “Banning walking is the number one issue that people on my Facebook page have been asking for. Her comments show this whole idea that human beings want to walk is just a woke culture war from the Green Party.”

Labour’s transport spokesperson wasn’t able to be reached, and it remains unclear if there even is one.

Mr Brown, who famously determines national transport policy based on the views of his Facebook followers, concluded that “Motorists are just sick to death of having to occasionally stop at a pedestrian crossing or red light to let those woke walkers pass.”

As part of the announcement, the government also launched a multi-billion-dollar nationwide programme to turn footpaths into driving space under the banner “Streets For Vehicles”, with former Auckland Light Rail Chief Executive Tommy Parker to head up the work. Mr Parker, who seemed more excited about this programme than he ever was about light rail, confirmed to reporters that he was looking forward to paving over berms and footpaths all around the country. “You just can’t beat the smell of fresh tarmac,” he said, with a glint in his eye.

Reaction from key stakeholder groups was mixed.

A spokesperson for the Road Transport Forum said he was delighted with the move, as it would “get those darn walkers out of the way of our trucks. I hope they ban cycling next!”

Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown was more mixed in his response. “I’m sick of Wellington telling us how to live our lives! I was elected the Mayor of Auckland by more people than anyone else – over 180,000 in case you didn’t know. I’m going to miss walking to work, like any other normal person. But on the other hand, at least this gets rid of those darn raised pedestrian crossings.”

A representative of Living Streets Aotearoa said they were horrified by the proposals. “Walking is a fundamental human right, I can’t believe the government has simply banned it. This will have terrible health consequences, what about people who can’t afford or are unable to drive? How will people be able to get to bus stops and train stations? There will be so much extra traffic as nobody will be able to get to their local school or shops without driving. I guess at least cyclists won’t be able to ride on the footpath anymore though, so that’s one positive.”

PM Christopher Luxon breaking the law.
Source: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/northern-advocate/news/national-leader-christopher-luxon-hits-the-streets-of-kerikeri-during-visit-to-far-north/MZBBYX4WZ5DQ5EYNWUIVPP3YRQ/

Simeon Brown announced the “woke walking ban” during a visit to a local high school. Response was mixed, with a handful of students (both of whom said they regularly comment on his Facebook page) excited by the prospect of living out their best Jeremy Clarkson fantasies and driving like madmen, while the majority shared concerns about what this meant for their health, how they would be able to get to school safely without footpaths, and what this might mean for emissions and climate change, what with all that extra driving.

Transport Minister Simeon Brown during a short trip to a local high school. Source: https://www.facebook.com/SimeonBrownMP/photos/a.402178586826886/1418535948524473/?type=3

The move was not part of either coalition agreement between National and Act or National and NZ First, but is consistent with recent transport policy announcements that have defunded walking and cycling, banned councils from constructing footpaths when building new roads, and most recently forced local councils to dangerously increase speed limits on quiet streets.

After the announcement, the Transport Minister speed-walked towards the school gates, trailed by a growing crowd of outraged students. Several loudly pointed that he appeared to be breaking the new law already, at which the minister immediately dropped to the ground and commando-crawled towards his waiting vehicle.

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120 comments

      1. Meanwhile, future Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour said “The provision of footpaths by local councils has resulted in walkers getting a free ride for far too long.”

        Seymour rejected criticism that walking is surely the most libertarian of transport modes, being both free and unlicensed, arguing that instead it’s a luxury that’s been heavily subsidised by councils being required to give a “leg up” to certain classes of people, i.e. those who walk. He welcomed the removal of what he called “red and green and black and white tape.”

        “People still wanting footpaths are of course free to build their own sidewalks, but only if they foot the bill themselves, if you’ll pardon the pun. They would of course need to use strips of their own properties and only if all neighbours on a given street can agree.”

        Under the proposed walking ban, people would no longer be able to walk, jog or travel in a wheelchair or mobility device outside their home, school, office or other workplace. Walking would still be tolerated in public parks, but people would need to drive to get to the park. Space currently used by footpaths would be available for car parking during off-peak hours or for general traffic at peak hours. Over time, berms and footpaths would be demolished and replaced with more asphalt.

        Asked about the impacts this would have on businesses, Brown highlighted that he thinks business owners will be grateful as people would be able to drive right up to the door, and even right through it in some cases.

        Simeon Brown also highlighted, with the biggest smile anyone has ever seen on his youthful face, that the walking ban also meant that all raised pedestrian crossings could be removed, as well as the non-raised traditional zebra crossings, as nobody would be using them anyway. Pedestrian “beg buttons” would also be removed from all signalised intersections, effective immediately.

        Speed limits would also be increased to a blanket 70 kph on all local roads around the motu, enabled by the government’s move to effectively eliminate potential conflicts between motor vehicles and pedestrians, by effectively eliminating pedestrians.

    1. Very sad to hear this ban on walking. I thought it must have been an April fool news as it is definitely a very foolish move.

      1. Darned fools are we really going that far back.go and find a nother country to stuff with we need these fools out to heck with them

    2. No April’s fool but fool hardy part is there going to be a hell of alot fat lazy fuel breathing people.

    3. If you are using public transport; is train or bus reaching at your doorstep at home, office, shops, restaurants etc or government is giving Air New Zealand wings to everyone?

  1. In related news the minister announced a 900 billion dollar 10-lane suspension bridge will be built across Cook Strait. The connection to SH1 will be in central Wellington via a massive interchange with the new 10-lane road to the airport. Several inner-city suburbs will be demolished to accommodate the new links but new suburbs will be built between Taihape and Palmerston North with fast motorway connections. These projects will allow the railways to be disestablished and will have the further benefit of removing green-leaning voters and politicians from central Wellington.

    1. Agreed like what the heck? They are trying to make us stuck in a world of vehicles. Some people enjoy walking more than car rides, and can’t even afford driving.
      I think this is such a dumb and cruel idea, also to our own health!

    2. Great idea, but will have to be tested at the treaty of Waitangi commission to see if Iwi will approve it. Possibly cutting the legs off walkers will also make it more equitable for the disabled.

    3. Re Shane’s comment, as a parent I’m happy for entertaining and supportive readers to share a love of books with children. I wouldn’t object to a transgender man reading to my kid but Rainbow Storytime with Erika and Coco Flash has two readers neither of them are trans. Erika is played by a gay man who likes dressing as a drag queen and Coco is a cisgender straight woman ally. Both are police checked and authorised as safe story tellers. That’s more than I can say for the vandals who’ve disrupted kids’ storytimes.

    1. Good point. Also, that’s a fair few insurance brokers, advertising brains and IT specialists that will have to find a new spot to park their grunty double cab utes.

      1. They will then have to park them in their living rooms so no-one will see them doing the thing that will be illegal .

    2. I expect the new “just burn everything in the incinerator in the back yard like we used to do and it didn’t harm me any” policy on household waste will be released shortly.
      Great news as this will also save on council rates with no need for bin collection, and getting rid of that awful food scraps bin. Landlords can pass that savings on to renters too. Obviously.

      1. Hey, great points.

        Am thinking the new backyard incinerator recycling method could increase my recycling to close on 100% if I can get it hot enough. Has to be better than the council’s miserable 13% from the curbside collection.

  2. Fuck you, we need more walking, more trees and more free public transport, we don’t need more lanes you actual morons

  3. This is by far the most forward thinking plan this current government have come up with. I didn’t vote for them but I will be from now on. Maybe we could get the Destiny Church to paint over all the pedestrian crossings in this great country. At least they have some prior experience.

    1. Yep, think that was Action Item 36 on the PM’s ‘how to run a country’ PowerPoint. Items 1-35 were along the lines of write something vague, be non-committal, consider all people have dimesia, generally list incomprehensible crap and expect everyone to buy it.
      So transparently failed corporate.

  4. Nailed it yet again.
    Other great outcomes from this law are the lack of street lights should make it feel unsafe for women to go out after dark. This would hopefully result in them staying in the kitchen/laundry where they belong, with the children.
    Plus NZ is lagging behind on the poisoned air quality of most developed countries, so we could see a major catch up on that front too.
    Actually it’s fantastic news for all those people living in cars… the list goes on.

  5. What an absolute gem for the 1st of April. I would love to know how many were sucked in. Love the thought that has gone into this.. Well written.

  6. That’s the most elaborate April fool joke that I’ve ever seen // ever since the “Spaghetti Grows on Trees” hoax in Britain in the ’50s

    1. And Country Calendar back in the late 60,s . But then again he might try as a new export item to Italy .

  7. Ban walking, how ridiculous can you get. I think all government departments need a complete overhaul, from parliament to councils.

    1. Reduce everyone back to early childhood when you had to crawl and then make everyone a bunch of grovellers and foot lickers .

  8. I am a security patrol,

    I have spent years on the streets keeping them safe , this will not prevent crime, its will only make my job harder , if criminals have to pull up inside the store with a car then they will be covered by the stores walls , its harder to tell if the vehicle should be there , let alone if they are sitting with a wepon in the car pointed at shop owners , to prevent crime and stop it in the act we need to be able to spot it while driving passed , this is the most silly thing I’ve heard in a while !

    1. We also need foot paths in some positions for foot patrols on businesses, would you like any more reasons ? Like officer safety ? Let me know i have plenty

    1. I can only suppose there must be a few folk out there who don’t know it’s April 1st. Or maybe need to detune the old outrage button just a click or two

  9. It’s going to put streetwalkers out of business overnight. Tossed out on the street by a hardened, unseen hand.

  10. Just waiting for Chrisb to log on and rant about how walking was invented by Karl Marx to ensure control over the brains of the citizens.

    1. The funniest thing is your woke mates who thought this was real. Karl Marx obviously does control some of the leftie minds.
      Good to see that Simeon Brown has upset a few car hating lefties, to the extent that they expend their efforts on satire.
      We are still left with a debt of $6 billion and counting for Len Brown’s train set, that is not so funny.

  11. I’m intrigued by the number of comments from people who clearly didn’t pick up on April Fool’s. Is there something about this posting that made it reach a wider audience than most GA posts? Could be useful to know as it might enable GA to get messages across to more people.

    1. what a clown Simeon Brown.
      millions of kids won’t be able to walk safely to school.. bloody idiot.

  12. I also think any walking we can do around the house or parks should be taxed on a per step and weight system. The damage walking do to parks is unreal.

  13. I’ve had a real laugh reading all these comments, both good and bad. Thanks peeps for a great April fools day.

  14. And with that photo of Simpleton they should through him back for being undersize , as the Fishing Ministry will have field day with an undersize catch .

  15. How many of you are like me and sitting in a steamy hot car slowly cooking to death cuz you’re not sure how you’re meant to get from car to house now…

    1. It’s simple. Install a lift or escalator for your car. Push a button and you’re in your lounge. So easy

  16. Does Simeon Brown walk to the parliament house or drives the car right into the parliament house . Do people walk to their work places or drive in right to their offices.
    Simeon Brown has lost his head completely on this issue.

  17. I can’t believe how many people didn’t realise this was a joke! It’s hilarious! Come on people, find your sense of humour and experiment with laughing before you forever forget one of life’s simplest pleasures! The minute you do, life will improve for you!

  18. What absolute idiot if this is the way they are going they are worse than labor what about the health system people need to exercise what a fool

  19. Don’t worry about where to put your bins. There won’t be any public waste collection as people will be given back the freedom to choose which recycle centre or landfill to drive in their car from their front yard with their rubbish.

  20. Hoping this is an April fools joke as if it werent, a vote of no confidence is needed as they would be a bunch of beep beep beeps, exasperating health problems, mental health etc. Or is what they want??

  21. BRILLIANT written and so funny!! I loved so much and it shows the cirque of the government in a different way. Head up guys!!!

    1. He should have gone and visited the local Intermediate as with his height and looks he would have fitted right in .

  22. A fantastic idea.
    Frees up the roads to move the traffic and reduce congestion.

    At least moving the traffic gets people to their destination quicker.
    Go the government!
    Go Simeon for thinking outside of the box!
    At least their being proactive!

  23. The Green Party has also announced the funding of donkey carts to provide public transport in urban areas. The donkey do would be collected by 5500 new govt workers, who would scoop the poop up and distribute it to Zoos and public parks and flower beds ( provided that only native New Zealand plants were being used at those locations ) . Any surplus donkey poop would be stock piled at Green Party HQ, for distribution to part members.

  24. This is a absolute joke then how the hell are people who can’t get licenses going to get around to work or other activities that fund your joke of a policy

  25. Some of us cannot drive for health reasons, so you are saying your taking away our legal rights to walk, if it’s for our health or in general it Been something we have been born to do all our lives. You taking our freedom away for more vehicles on the roads. This is outrageous. I’m a proud kiwi but if we are losing our rights to live how we want to. What happened to keeping kiwis healthy with the 30 min a day and all the amazing benefits that walking, running and the ability it has on those who cannot drive anymore. This is the wrong move, very disappointing

  26. Seems on this site a stunningly large number of readers that can’t tell the difference between a joke and reality then knee jerk with outrage and need someone else to point out it’s not real. The gullibility is off the charts. Must be tough going through life like that.

    1. Yes I was intrigued by that and it seems many judging from their comments are not regulars to GA – so potentially this has found another way of reaching an audience beyond the regulars?

  27. Traveling from Canada and upon reading this we had a great laugh thinking this MUST be a joke. Fantastic!! Love your humour. Thank you.

  28. If this is an April Fools joke… (greater Auckland) it’s not funny!
    (I suppose you’re laughing). You should change your name from Greater auckland to something else if that’s the case!

  29. Obviously this is a fantastic initiative to free up all the inefficient space used up by footpaths for economically viable uses like driving to my neighbour’s house, but it clearly hasn’t been though through in enough detail. Where am I meant to park my Ranger if there’s no footpath?

  30. So refreshing to see a bit of humour injected into our daily news threads!!
    Love it!
    Well written and Almost Believable!
    Hardly anyone looks at DATES in our everyday life, so not surprising so many people got caught out by this.

  31. Minister Brown provided his comments from the bread aisle of the Botany Pak and Save, where his SUV has been stuck in gridlock for the past three weeks.

  32. OH. no,no,no. On April the 2nd I went and threw away all my shoes. And yesterday I saw three people walking!!! Damn!

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