The Government accidentally added us to their group chat

In events eerily similar to what happened in the USA last week, Greater Auckland was recently accidentally added to a group chat between government ministers on the topic of transport.

We have no idea how it happened, but luckily we managed to transcribe most of what transpired. We share it below, in the public interest. It’s quite eye-opening.

CB [presumably Chris Bishop]: Righto everyone, this is the dedicated chat for working through the list of transport projects we put in the GPS.

I appreciate you all checking in, and I hope you’ve all read the briefing documents, as today we have to make some pretty important decisions about which projects to fund.

SB [presumably Simeon Brown]: We’re building them all, right? Four lanes, grade separated, 110 kph, no compromise. It’s what we campaigned on, yo.

CB: Thanks Simeon. Just to be clear, we all good on OPSEC? I’m seeing an unusual identifier next to your name there.

SB: Oh hang on a sec, I think I need to change accounts.

[SpeedyBoi69@hotmail.com has left the chat]

[Simeon Brown has joined the chat]

CB: I repeat, we all good on OPSEC now?

DS [likely David Seymour]: Do you mean OPTICS, because that’s a hot topic from my work to regurgitate, I mean recalibrate, school lunches. It’s not about how it looks, it’s about how little you can get it to cost.

[Several participants respond with the vomit emoji]

WP [presumably Winston Peters]: We could fill a million potholes with your half frozen, half boiling lumps of gruel, sonny Jim, and not even touch the sides. In any case I think you’ll find it’s called APEC. I know my onions, and I certainly didn’t come down on the last foreign affairs cabbage boat, sunshine.

SJ [Shane Jones?]: Google “foreign affairs cabbages onions APEC OPSEC”

CB: Getting back on topic: today we’re looking at which projects to prioritise on our promised list of Roads of National Significance, aka more RoNS. Please see the attached image.

WP: I’m more interested in Roll-On-Roll-Off Ferries of National Significance, aka RORONS.

DS: What did you call me?

CB: Gentlemen, and Nicola, please. So you’ll see from the briefing paper that NZTA has alerted us to the costs of building each RoNS as a massive four-lane, grade-separated, 110 kph highway. Turns out this could work for some cases, but would cause massive, career-ending cost blowouts in others. So we probably need a rethink and a rightsize and a bit of commonsense.

SB: Four lanes, grade separated, 110 kph. No compromise. That’s what we campaigned on! Back me up, boss.

CL [the Prime Minister, at a guess]: Look I’m not aware of that but what I’d say to you is that building roads isn’t just about infrastructure—it’s an economic Big Bang, a seismic catalyst that unleashes some pretty big rocks and ignites an unstoppable chain-reaction of wealth creation, market invincibility, and GDP supernova expansion. I’ve been very clear about that.

And look this isn’t just paving the way for hardworking landlords – it’s about a laser focus on delivering manifest destiny for capitalism, a concrete-fueled revolution that will aggressively turbocharge our prosperity, relentlessly annihilate wasteful inefficiencies, and thrust millions of wet and whiny kiwis into a bold, asphalt-driven utopia of infinite growth potential.

And I’m not just talking about Mt Messenger.

[A flurry of thumbs-ups, and one kiwifruit emoji]

CB: Thanks boss, couldn’t agree more. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, working through the major transport projects. So let’s start with the Northland Expressway.

SJ [Shane Jones, going by the verbiage]: Verily a heroic and cosmic shift in Northland’s destiny, a hyper-optimized asphalt wormhole to the fiscal utopia of the future. Thus and therefore, we must accord it the loftiest priority, as it will liberate and enrich every being in the northerly fiefdom, barring of course Freddy the frog and his irksome endangered ilk. Let us vigorously ensure the full defenestration of all foolish environmental and cultural rules, lest our mission founder on the lackadaisical shoals of, exempli gratia, a talismanic taniwha around every corner.

TP [Tama Potaka?]: Seriously? Whoah, taihoa, bro.

WP: Speak English, you whippersnappers! There’s none of that language nonsense where I come from!

CB: Ooookay, so I’m hearing pretty strong tautoko for Te Tai Tokerau.

But the problem is, the Infrastructure Commission says it’ll soak up around 10% of all available future funding for any new infrastructure – not just transport, everything, hospitals, schools, defence, all of it. Do we really want to put all our eggs in that one basket? Especially given Treasury says it’s a sovereign risk.

SB: That’ll be the cycleways inflating the cost. Just cancel them. We hates them.

CB: Mate, there are no cycleways – this is a highway in the middle of the countryside, no walking or bike paths at all. But the briefing says we could potentially halve the cost if we go down to two or three lanes and a few at-grade interchanges.

SB: I don’t care. Six lanes. Grade separated. 120 kilometres per hour. No compromise. Anyway I read online that pedestrians don’t even pay footpath tax, shouldn’t we look into that, make them pay for their privilege?

NW [Nicola Willis?]: As I always like to say, you have to run a country like a household. That means we need to grow the pie in case a hungry landlord stops by, and if that means no dinner for everyone else, so be it.

SJ: Food! Whomst amongst us requires paltry comestibles! Every meter of freshly laid asphalt will unleash an all-you-can-devour smorgasbord of GDP explosions, turning roadside paddocks into gleaming metropolises and sleepy towns into economic juggernauts overnight. Freight will move at quantum speeds, tourists will flock in droves, local businesses will experience such overwhelming success that gold bars will replace common currency in Whangārei and adjacent minor municipalities.

Or I’ll eat my hat.

WP: What Shane said, but for ferries.

CB: Moving on, we come to the North West Alternative State Highway. That’s the Kumeu bypass, yep? The briefing says we should actually start instead with ‘downstream’ improvements around Westgate and better connections between State Highway 16 and State Highway 18.

NW: Well, that certainly sounds like a sensible serving of Brussels sprouts, but will the landlords like it?

SB: Yeah, anyway those penny-ante upgrades aren’t tagged as RoNS in the GPS.

CB: Whereas the Kumeu bypass is?

SB: Correct. Eight lanes. Grade-separated. 130 kilometres per hour speed limit. No compromise.

CB: But hang on – the briefing says if you build the Kumeu bypass before doing all those other improvements closer to the city, you’ll just make traffic worse. So why aren’t those upgrades on the RoNS list? Who even wrote the damn GPS?

SB: My precioussss [sunglasses emoji]

CB: Yeah thanks for that, Simeon. Welp, next up: the East-West Link.

NW: Ah yes, now, I think this is the road the last Government cancelled because they said it was “the most expensive road in the world per kilometre”, right? Even more expensive than that one built in Sochi for the 2014 Winter Olympics that was apparently paved in caviar?

CB: Actually, it was Infrastructure New Zealand who said that about the East-West Link.

NW: Infrastructure NZ? The lobby group who likes building roads? Why would they say that?

CB: I believe their point was, it needed to be even huger and more expensive. Not quite sure how they got to that position, but there it is.

SB: Makes sense to me. Ten lanes, grade-separated, 140kph, no compromises. [100% emoji, explosion emoji, money-bag emoji]

CB: But the thing is, the briefing paper says the congestion in this part of Auckland is really just around the two motorway interchanges at each end. Onehunga on State Highway 20 and Mt Wellington on State Highway 1. Whereas Neilson Street and Church Street, the main local roads between these interchanges, are hardly ever bunged up.

Moreover, it says here we can easily fix things by removing on-street parking, plus a few minor upgrades to what’s already there.

NW: So you’re saying that instead of needing to spend four billion, $4,000,000,000 – I like to spell it out with all the zeroes sometimes, because wow big numbers, hey? – we could do a couple of quick interchange improvements and optimise the local network for a fraction of that amount?

SB: It’s the cycleways adding those zeroes, you know. Cancel them. Cancel them all.

CL: Look what I’d say to you is that the East West Link isn’t just a road. It’s a paradigm-shattering, next-gen connectivity disruptor engineered to catapult Auckland into a hyper-optimized logistics utopia. This isn’t just about getting from A to B, it’s about unlocking a perpetual-motion prosperity machine, future-proofing Auckland as the hemispheric epicenter of turbocharged, asphalt-powered economic ascension. This is more than infrastructure, it’s an economic singularity, a cataclysmic surge of innovation, efficiency, and boundless investment ecstasy.

[Several saluting-face emojis, a question-mark emoji and what looks to be a face-palm emoji]

CB: Thanks for that, boss.

CL: And furthermore, while I’m not across this particular issue, what I’d say to you is we need to happen to the future, and it’s roaring head-on towards us on freshly laid tarmac, and so we need to move the big rocks out of the way, right?

CB: Yep, that really clears things up. So, back to the decision at hand, are we doing the $4 billion new highway, or a few right-sized interchange improvements for a fraction of that?

SB: Twelve lanes, grade-separated,150 kilometres per hour. No compromise.

WP: Is this going on much longer? I have an important dinner to get to.

DS: I have a spare school lunch that’s all yours if you want it.

[Another flurry of vomit emojis, a dog emoji and a rolling on the floor laughing emoji]

CB: Let’s park that for now and move on to Mill Road. This one was briefly included in the last government’s fairly diverse Upgrade Programme, and then it wasn’t, and then it was included again. What the heck were they up to?

WP: I blame woke. None of this inclusion nonsense. Exclude everything.

CB: Thanks Winston, also noting however that you were part of that government for three years before the electorate excluded you.

So, the briefing in front of us says the most recent business case suggests investing $1.5bn at the northern end, to deliver a new four-lane road, for which the NZTA board has approved an 80 kph speed limit.

Thoughts anyone? Not Simeon.

JC [likely Judith Collins?]: MINE!

I mean, my heart embraces this project as backup motorway resilience – and also as a major enabler of housing growth and urban development in Auckland, an issue which I know is very dear to your own heart, Bish.

CB: Great point, Crusher, people can’t just live in their cars, although the way Auckland traffic is going, that’s increasingly a realistic outcome. But the briefing clarifies there won’t be nearly as much growth at the northern end of the corridor, due to major flooding issues and peat soils making it prohibitively expensive to build on.

In other words, most growth will be at the southern end of the corridor, around Drury. So why not build that section first? Also, don’t you need to zhuszh up the whole corridor, if you’re looking to provide resilience for the southern motorway?

JC: Well yes, but we’ve only got a designation in place for the northern part at the moment. Not my department, not my fault. It is what it is.

CB: So just to be clear, we’re proposing to build the wrong end of the corridor? The reason I ask is, the briefing paper says spending $1.5 billion will only deliver people more quickly to massive queues at Redoubt Road, putting worse pressure on an interchange that’s already overloaded. So there’s no benefit whatsoever, unless you implement a dynamic toll to discourage people from travelling at peak times.

Honestly, maybe we’d better park this one for now, too.

So, that’s it for Auckland.

CP [probably Chris Penk]: Hey, but what about the Northwest Busway, Bish?

CB: Ah yes, almost forgot. That one actually looks pretty good. Solid benefit-cost ratio, strong stakeholder support, and it can be staged and sequenced, so people can experience the benefits early while a full rapid transit solution is worked through over time. Smart investment.

Plus, I think I read on Greater Auckland one time that there’s already really strong ridership on the WX1 service and people are enjoying it, despite it having very little proper rapid transit infrastructure. Really positive comments from the Treasury on this one, too – that’s unusual!

SB: Yeah but it’s not a road though, is it. Fourteen lanes, grade-separated, 160kph, no–

CB: Moving right along to… Tauranga. Can anyone tell me why we’re thinking of building more motorways here, when the place is already basically 90% tarmac and still horribly congested?

SB: Just pave the last 10%, that’ll fix it. As long as it’s sixteen lanes, grade-separated, 170 kilometres per hour. No compromises.

CL: Look team, what I’d say to you is that turbocharging Tauranga’s road network is a paradigm-shifting masterstroke in economic acceleration, unleashing a high-octane synergy vortex that propels the region into an era of hyper-efficiency. By annihilating congestion chokepoints and streamlining asphalt-based throughput, these infrastructure enhancements will catalyze frictionless logistical fluidity, enabling businesses to scale at ludicrous velocity. With every freshly paved kilometre, Tauranga will evolve into a next-gen commercial utopia, a beacon of petrol-powered prosperity.

CB: You okay boss?

CL: Like I say, this isn’t just roadworks, it’s a game-changing disruption vector redefining the entire economic gravitational field of the Bay of Plenty. Big, big rocks. Rocks. Big ones.

CB: Right, just keeping an eye on the time, what’s our plan for Tauranga? Are we going to double down on even more motorways, despite all evidence this strategy hasn’t worked yet?

SU [likely Sam Uffindell]: May I say, this is really about access to the Port of Tauranga, the country’s largest export port. Look, when I was a kid and went to school…

NW: Sam, we do NOT want to ever hear anything more about what happened when you went to school.

[comment receives several grimacing emojis]

CB: Next on the list is the Hawke’s Bay Expressway. Now, I have to admit I’m confused by this one. I can’t understand why the cost-benefit ratio is still well below 1, even though we asked Treasury to change the discount rates used for transport evaluations so even the worst projects get a cost-benefit ratio of more than 1. Do we need a bit more info on this one?

SB: No need. It’s designated, which means we can easily get diggers in the ground ASAP. Eighteen lanes, grade separated, 180 kilometres per hour, lesssgoooooo!

CB: But the briefing says there’s nothing wrong with the existing road, apart from the fact it’s dangerous at times, which could be fixed with low-cost safety improvements… which we could do, if someone hadn’t axed the safety budget in the GPS.

SB: Sorry not sorry, lol. [cry-laugh emoji]

CB: Running out of time and patience here, folks. Next on the list is Hope Bypass – where the hell even is that?

JM [probably James Meagher, Minister for the South Island]: It’s near Richmond. Near Nelson. Top of the South Island. Just over the water from Wellington? Te Wai Pounamu?

[A flurry of surprised-face emojis in response, plus one exploding-head emoji]

SB: There’s a South Island?

JC: There’s a South Island?

NW: There’s a South Island?

WP: There’s a South Island?

SJ: There’s a South Island?

TP: There’s a South Island?

SU: There’s a South Island?

CP: There’s a South Island?

CL: What I would say to you is, I’m not aware of there being a South Island.

CB: Yeah well, they’ll vote for us regardless, so no need for that one. Right, looks like we’ve reached the end of the list.

JM: Wait, what about Woodend? I mean, it’s right there on the map.

CB: Yep thanks for the highly constructive chat everyone, that was super helpful. The key takeaway: looks like we’re cracking on with the Hawke’s Bay Expressway pronto, even though it has the worst benefit-cost ratio of the lot.

Should be some great photo ops there lads, get your hi-vis ready.

GA: Did somebody say takeaways? Any vegetarian options?

[Several eyeball emojis, after which the chat window suddenly vanished – but not before we got screenshots.]

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